


beyond heartbreak

by 10outof10



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, M/M, Yoo Kihyun-centric, im leaving it to your imagination on who you liked paired with kihyun, kihyun's boyfriend is unspecified, minhyuk is a sweet bestfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-29 21:50:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20803532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/10outof10/pseuds/10outof10
Summary: Kihyun still sends him messages, even if it is left unread.





	beyond heartbreak

**Author's Note:**

> this is a very personal story to me, i hope you find it nice.

**Yoo Kihyun [11:11 PM 01/09/19]**

_I still wish for your happiness, wherever you are._

**Yoo Kihyun [12:00 AM 02/09/19]**

_Is it fucked up that I see death whenever I look at the mirror?_

The male stared at his bright lit phone screen, the silence aired around his room almost suffocating him. He tries his hardest to keep breathing, fingers hovered over the keyboard as he stared at the one sided chat box. Unconsciously, he scrolls through the entire thing, his eyes brimming with tears that he has kept for a long time. His heart beating, yelling, constricting; with his eyes closed, he locks his phone and puts it over his chest. _I miss you._

“So how are you doing today? Have you been taking your medication?” Kihyun looks down, he nods with resign, he didn’t know how to start. It was another visit to his psychiatrist, he didn’t want to go today, but he knew that _he _wouldn’t like that, so he forced himself out of his bed to shower and get out of the house. “Kihyun, it’s okay, you can tell me what’s bothering you.”

_But you’re not him._

He wants to say that but he raises his head with a small smile as he turns towards the familiar face of his doctor. “I just feel lost. Again. I feel like I’m not going anywhere… Just- I’m stuck.” The other hummed, seemingly understanding what her client meant. “I’ve made choices in my life that- I don’t exactly regret them, but I am questioning them.”

Kihyun thinks that this felt nice, at least someone is listening, even if it wasn’t someone he was close to, it wasn’t _him_. He goes on about his concerns, and the doctor helps him sort it out, and the hour passed by just like that. It ended with new dosage of his medications and another schedule for next week.

The young male leaves the clinic with a slightly lighter heart, his hand in the pockets of his hoodie, right hand gripping the phone he had kept inside. His feet brought him to an ice cream stall, which he ordered a strawberry swirl.

He isn’t really fond of the flavor, but it reminds him of _him_ and that’s as far as comfort and home that he can have.

**Yoo Kihyun** **[5:00 AM 20/09/19]**

_I’ve finished my requirements for graduate school_

_Are you proud of me?_

He stares at the screen again, he hasn’t slept, his medication was supposed to help with his insomnia but he still couldn’t get over the anxious feeling in his stomach that kept him awake for the whole night, trying to keep down the urge to vomit. Kihyun didn’t know if it was because of his anxiety or the side effect of adjustment to the new dose of antidepressants. Whatever it is, it made him feel like shit.

The male quietly hoped for the icon of the other person to come down the bottom of the chat box to indicate that it was read, and hoped for a bubble to signal that the other was typing something along the lines of ‘sorry late reply, yes I’m very proud of you, potato’ but he got nothing.

They called each other _potato_ as a joke, but it stuck, and he still remembers how he randomly got messages from _him _saying ‘hey potato, I hope you feel better and reply to me soon, I miss you.’ And he still remembers how he brushed off those messages, thinking he could reply some other time when he wasn’t busy with whatever stuff he was doing.

It was stupid, how he took this for granted. How easily he had pushed aside someone so important, to the point where _he_ was afraid to tell _him_ what he was going through. It sucked, and Kihyun is an ass.

**Yoo Kihyun [3:27 PM 25/09/19]**

_I’m so stupid. Wtfffff I forgot to pay my examination fee._

_Maybe this graduate school isn’t for me potato :(_

_I hate myself_

He groans, burying his face to his knees, almost dropping his phone in the process. It was so stupid, he was caught up with his loud thoughts for the past few weeks that he forgot to pay on time, now he’s way behind schedule and he has less than 24 hours to come up with a solution or else he wouldn’t be able to take the exam.

The examination wasn’t exactly what he wanted, he was only taking it because that was the only thing to do. He didn’t know what to do with his life, no dreams, no plans, and he’d always choose something that had fall backs, but right now, he has nothing. If he won’t take the exam, he’d have nothing.

Much like how he sees his life, nothing.

He wishes _he_ was there, tell him it was okay, help him to pick himself up in the sweetest words. But again, he gets nothing.

**Yoo Kihyun [5:00 PM 26/09/19]**

_I’ve finished the exam, they had let me pay at the counter_

_The lady was scolding me and I had to apologize a lot._

_It was fucking embarrassing potato, fuck_

**Yoo Kihyun [5:20 PM 26/09/19]**

_Oh, and happy monthsary 💕_

_I bought a strawberry crepe cake on my way home_

_It tasted nice._

“Ki, strawberries again?” Minhyuk, his college friend and flatmate for five years, came in the living room where Kihyun was seated on the floor. He turns on the television and flips through channels.

“Yeah, it’s the 26th. You know he likes strawberries.” With that, he dug his fork through the layers of thin pancake slice, making sure to get as much filling and toppings. Minhyuk knew what he was talking about, he smiled sadly as he stared at the small male’s back.

“Happy monthsary to you two. I’m sure he’s happy that you’re eating something he would have liked.” It was soft, almost too silent, his words felt nice. _At least someone remembers him, other than me_. Kihyun turned to the other and offered a plate with a slice of the crepe cake, his smile was peaceful but Minhyuk could see the hurt, the pain, the… broken pieces. He takes them and eats in silence, deciding to just stare at the rerun of _Asia’s Next Top Model_ on the screen.

**Yoo Kihyun [11:18 PM 26/09/19]**

_Minhyuk said happy monthsary_

_I gave him a slice of the cake too_

He puts his phone on the side of his pillow, allowing it to charge overnight. Kihyun closes his eyes in hopes to force himself to sleep, and he eventually did. However, he was woken up to a notification from his phone, an email. With one eye closed, he looks at the small bar at the lock screen, realizing he hadn’t turned on the Do Not Disturb, however before he could do that, he noticed the email address.

It was from him.

_I hope my friend is still able to send my messages to you once I'm no longer around. But if I still manage to stick around then maybe, I'll just send this to you at the right time. Anyways, happy monthsary! I do not know which monthsary I'm writing for but hey, I'm in the mood to write something for you._

_Maybe, the reason why I'm writing this is that I'm scared to say goodbye. I started this in hopes that by the time I'm gone you would still be able to smile and continue to live despite the struggles you may face. I'm scared to be stuck your past but I'm trying to come to terms that maybe I'm just passing by your life. _

_I love you, maybe not in the best way, but to the best of my abilities, given how shitty both of our lives are. I love you and perhaps I have also caused you pain. I love you and I know that who you are right now deserves the whole world. _

_Remember, that I'm always happy when you're happy. I hope you're not hurting anymore and the decisions you have in your life is something that wouldn't cause you pain in the future. I love you potato! Happy Monthsary!_

Kihyun stares at the bright screen. Blinking away the tears that has formed without him noticing.

_He replied._

The young male couldn’t help but read the message over and over again. It was a scheduled email, the composition dated back to two years ago, before _he _went away. Two years of scheduled emails. And maybe, this was _his_ way of saying that _he_ was still listening.

> _Beyond heartbreak, lies soulbreak, which is when you cannot spend time with someone, not because you and them have chosen to part ways, but because they no longer inhabit the Earth._

_—_pleasefindthis_, I wrote this for you and only you_

**Author's Note:**

> this is about someone special to me, and it's the first time i've written about her in story format. 
> 
> i hope she's proud of me.


End file.
